Miss Gemma – the saucy sausage doglet

Mom and Alpha bought a house a few months after I hopped onto the Rainbow Ridge. Was a bit green with envy because it has a nice big garden with lots of space – could have had a ball there.

See what I mean? Loads of space to play ball.

Anyhowl… the people who were selling the house were moving to New Zealand – wherever that is – and Gemma the sausage doglet was being left behind (I know – sucky attitude hey – Mom would never have left me behind anywhere).

A family conference was had and they decided, rightly so I might woof, that Gemma should live with them – or in this case, they should live with Gemma – seeing as it was her house first.

Mind you, turns out they  were adopted by a little doglet that is seriously full of quiddities and quibbles. When she was a puppy, her male “parental agent” was somewhat nasty and took it out on her often.

She now has a memory as long as her little brown body.

Alpha gave her a neck rub one day and it would appear that he did something she does not like… so she shrieked at him. Seriously, she did! Bit rude, I’d say – specially when he had done nothing to hurt her in the least.

Mom picked her up to put her on her lap (which she was asking for) and she shrieked at her too. Mom is still trying to figure out which bit of Gemma she offended.

My boy Luan (did I tell you the pawsome news that he’s going to be a vet… oh – wait – that’s another blog) went out of the front door to go to varsity one morning and stood totally bemused on the other side of the door whilst Gemma howled and shrieked at him from the inside. He had visions that he’d accidentally shut a bit of her into the door (which he knew he hadn’t) but it turned out she just wanted to go outside with him too.

The sliding door at the back  was open – but she wanted to go out of the front door.

Gemma’s quite good when it comes to the gate – she runs out but does not go near the road. Just sticks her nose into the neighbor’s gate. This gives mom a bit of a heart attack because there are a couple of pit bulls that live there. Seems like they are all friends though – because Gemma still has her nose.

She does, however, have a horrible habit of coming precariously close to the car wheels, and seeing as she has been run over before (not by my family obviously) and has a gait like a drunken sailor sometimes, mom’s totally neurotic about scrunching her.

My Ems says she looks like a mouse mermaid when she sits.

A pile of rather odious bedding was left by the previous owners.  Gemma’s baskie!  Mom was tempted to throw it into the washing machine on the hottest setting possible, but was vetoed. Shame… the rest of the family said. It’s the only thing that still smells familiar to her.

After the second day Alpha wrinkled his nose and said to mom – wash that smelly pile please!

Gemma puts herself to bed. Burrows under her duvet, like a little groundhog, into the depths of her “baskie” and slumbers peacefully. Quite clever really – I always needed mom to cover me up with a blankie.

All snug and cosy.

Soon after they moved in – when Ralphie was still on earth – there was a yelping from the bedroom. Mom and Alpha were trying to sort out the tip of an office.  Ralph had meanly positioned himself in the middle of the passage – a few feet from the bedroom door – and Gemma was too scared to charge past him. Every time she ventured out, Ralphie would haughtily flick his head around and glare at her.

That cat was laughing his whiskers off on the inside.

But Ralphie was not so pleased when that saucy little sausge dog claimed my old baskie for her own furry self. Next to mom’s desk nogal! Ralph and I used to share my baskie – especially when it was chilly. Then he got used to having it all for himself. One day he tried climbing into the basket with Gems. She leapt up shrieking and howling like a banshee dog and then tried to eat my Ralph. He was moerse put out and never tried that one again.

Mom made him a nice cosy spot under the table instead, but if looks could kill – Gemma would be leaping around the Rainbow Ridge with the rest of us.

They got to be friends though, before Ralphie came up to heaven. Gemma and Jack (the new kitty) are another story though.

Gems napping in MY baskie.

The Porridge Bowl

It was a fine feathery day in heaven and I was flitting around, after just having spent some time helping my Aunty Kate finish a crossword. She used to do Sudoku’s on earth but up here we have heavenly word puzzles that involve the Saints. Some of them are a bit elusive, and even though she’s a good Catholic auntie and knows a lot – I’ve been here longer than she has, so was able to make a few suggestions.

Came across Ralphie rolling around on a cloud, howling with laughter.  That will teach them to replace me with such a ragamuffin, he spluttered with mirth.

A tad unseemly behaviour for heaven, but then Ralph is a bit of a gangster at heart.

I peered over his shaking shoulder to see what was so incredibly amusing.

They were in the bedroom…

Alpha was having his usual breakfast in bed. Jack was sitting on Alpha’s chest, attempting to lick the porridge off his face. Alpha’s infinite patience was being somewhat tried.

Hey! I exclaimed. That’s my porridge bowl!

Ralph sitting elegantly!

Don’t be stupid, replied Ralph, that’s my porridge bowl! Except I used to sit elegantly at the end of the bed and watch him eat. If he took too long I would loudly voice my disdain by turning around and facing the cupboard.  When he’d finished he would ting-ting on the edge of the bowl with his spoon. I’d ignore him for a bit, then casually saunter up and do him the favour of licking up the last few morsels of porridge.

I glared at Ralph. I’m telling you – that was MY porridge bowl!

I would sit on the floor next to Alpha’s side of the bed and drool, waiting for him to finish. Sometimes I’d have to hurry him along with a little whinge or two. He’d give me THE look and tell me it was HIS breakfast. I should be patient. He also used to do the ting-ting on the side of his bowl thing with a spoon. Was quite funny actually… every now and then Alpha would get out of bed and almost slip on a puddle of drool. He’d make hysterical eeergh gross disgusting noises.

By now Zed and Skunk had joined our group and were also peering down from the skies.

Oi! I remember that bowl, yipped Skunkie. Alpha always had his brekkers out of it. When I grew into my legs I could easily reach the bowl next to his bed and scarf a lick when mom was not watching.  Not that Alpha ever left very much in it. Wasn’t very exciting really, preferred to steal Looseyfur’s  food.

Zed scowled. His legs were too short to reach anything on a table and he didn’t like to hear Skunk the Punk boasting.

We all watched as Jack tried again and again to stick his face into Alpha’s porridge bowl. He was very persistent. Each time Alpha would flick his nose gently. Jack would sit back and purr loudly, wait until Alpha was distracted by lifting the spoon to his mouth and try sticking his head in the bowl again.

Flick sniff flick sniff purr flick dodge flick purr… so it went.

Mom piped up… You are wasting your time you know. Cats cannot be trained. You’ve been doing this for three weeks now and nothing has changed. Jack still tries to lick the Weetabix off your chops.

Alpha made a face at mom. He spooned up the last bit of porridge and put the bowl down on the bed. Jack dived into it. Literally!

Jack with his face in the bowl!

Hey! Alpha exclaimed, waving the spoon around. I had not even ting-tinged yet.

Jack did not flicker a whisker, merely continued to ravish the bowl like he had not eaten in days – which I know was a lie because I’d seen mom play the choosey game with him in the kitchen earlier.

Then Ralph sauntered off… Show’s over for today furry folks – let’s go do some angel stuff.

Ralphie goes to heaven

I was just floating around in heaven the other day. Flitting around from colour to colour on the Rainbow Ridge – supervising the new additions that tend to take advantage of the space.

Even I, Miss Fudgie-wena, took advantage when I first arrived. I mean it is ginormous fun to leap through the rainbow and become rainbow coloured – especially when you have a long bod like I do – but let’s furry face it – doing that a gazillion times becomes old very quickly.

We don’t want to wear out the rainbow now, do we?

So like I said, I was supervising things, sniffing around. Generally making my own self useful where ever possible, when I heard that there was a commotion going on at the Pearly Gates.

Curiosity won and I decided to go take a peek.

Sometimes I can calm things down a smidgeon – me being Head Angel Doglet and all.

There was a big crowd. Everybody was pushing and shoving and trying to see what the problem was. Such unbecoming behaviour in heaven.

Heard some whispering… a cat had arrived at the Pearly Gates that was so big they were having a hard time finding angel wings to fit.

Now there are rules in heaven about wings. People get people wings. Dogs get dogs wings. Cats get cats wings. Pigs would love to have wings but everybody knows they can’t fly.  They have to snuffle around the place.

Nosed my way closer to the front of the crowd to see what was going on.

A large black and white cat was sitting looking extremely disgruntled. Various pairs of wings were being fitted on his back and just as quickly discarded. Every now and then the cat would twitch his whiskers and raise its yellow eyes to heaven – which is pretty hard to do when you are already in heaven. Clearly he had been in a spot of trouble because his nose was a total mess.

“Gerroffme!” He yowled – as the 37th pair of too-small wings was tried on his back. “I’m not a freaking fairy!”

Saint Peter looked on – a bit disapprovingly.  Getting to Heaven’s Gate is quite an achievement – so you do not want to jeopardize actual entry into heaven once you are so close.

Had a feeling of déjà vu. Thought something looked a bit familiar.

Suddenly it hit me. Ralphie!

But what was my Ralphie doing in heaven? He wasn’t due for a good couple of years.

Sidled up closer to check that I was not getting short sighted. I WAS NOT. It was indeed my old furry bud, Ralph.

Gave him the nose.

Oi! Hullo Ralph.

His cat eyes opened wide and his whiskers quivered bravely. He smiled with all his sharp pointy fangs. Even his eyebrows wiggled and jiggled with joy.

Fudges!  Ralphie murmured and slinked his furry body against mine. We nuzzled for a bit. It felt like home.

What is the problem Ralph? I breathed in his ear.

He hissed…. Get these silly wallies off me.  I. Am. Not. A. Fairy Cat!

I looked at him with big brown eyes. Ralphie! Do not jeopardise your spot in heaven. Just take the wings and shhhhh… You are going to be an angel – not a fairy!

Ralphie, however, was having none of it.

He shook and shivered and refused to even vaguely entertain the thought of having any sort of wings on his back.

Saint Peter’s face got blacker and blacker.

Eventually he intervened… “Ralph…” he murmured in a silky smooth voice… “would you like to go downstairs and catch rats for Old Nic?”

Ralph looked at me – not really understanding the question properly. For a smarty-pants cat he’s quite doff sometimes.

I shook my head vehemently. Then I suddenly had a brain wave. I whispered to one of the flighty angels who were responsible for fitting the new additions with wings.

She reappeared with a nice selection of mouse wings that could be worn on Ralph’s legs – like manly spurs.

Clearly Ralphie thought that this whole idea was not too shabby because he gave in and let them attach the wings. He fluttered those wings and flew like an angel.

Saint Peter breathed a sigh of relief.  So did I.

Zoomed up next to Ralph and gave him the nose.

Hey… it’s not so bad up here… come on – I’ll introduce you to Zed, Skunk and Looseyfur. Then let’s go see what mom is doing downstairs.