Skunk – Blog from above

Beasties

I was flipping around in the clouds, checking out stuff when I came across Ralph peering down intently.

I blinked; it appeared there were two Ralphs. Blinked some more, nope, still two Ralphies.

“Aaaargh, my eyes are broken! I’m seeing two black cats.” I howled, making the images even blurrier.

“I need Saint Lucy badly.”

I’d since found out for Aunty Kate’s heavenly crossword that Saint Lucy was the Patron Saint of Blindness and problem eyes. Or something like that.

“Oh don’t be so melodramatic Fudge” spat Ralph. You are not seeing double, there are two of us. This is my friend Harry. You can only see his back, but he’s also got white bits on him.

Harry turned around, his face was all black but the rest of him looked pretty similar to Ralph.

“Hi Harry,” I offered him a paw. We high-fived.

I squidged in-between the two cats, “What are you guys looking at?”

“Mom’s garden,” replied Ralph. “Check out that huge lizard sunning its self in her garden. I would have liked to have a go at that.”

“Yeah,” remarked Harry “We didn’t even have lizards that big in Limpopo.”

I waved some clouds away to get a clearer view, still a bit traumatised from the idea that my eyes had gone wonky. There was, indeed, a huge fat lizard lying smack dab in mom’s front garden.

“Oooh,” I squealed like a girl “It is ginormous. It’s going to eat that saucy sausage dog for sure.”

I felt a cold nose slink in from the side. Skunk had joined the party.

“Whatcha all lookin’ at?” Skunk’s little freckly nose wrinkled up as he smiled at us all.

“Come and see Skunkie, there’s a beastie in mom’s garden.”

“Where?” Skunk’s sharp eyes scanned around the place.

Harry raised a white-tipped paw and pointed “Right there.”

“Where? I can’t see anything but rocks and stuff.”

“Next to the honeysuckle bush,” Ralph tipped his head in the right direction.

Skunk barked out loud, making Harry leap up, wide-eyed in alarm. Ralph flicked his tail from side to side, a sure sign that he was a little annoyed.

Skunk airing his tongue. Check out those long legs!

“Sillies!” grinned Skunk with his tongue hanging out, “Silly Billies! That’s not a beastie. It’s mom’s garden art. I watched her make that lizard out of rocks a few days ago. Her friend Lynne sent her a picture, and you know mom, the next minute she’d dashed off to the stone shop with Alpha and stocked up.”

“Sjoe! There’s another one – a huge flying thing.” Harry pointed to something under the tree.

“It’s a dragonfly,” Skunk explained patiently. “I saw her make that one too. Carolynn sent her that one, except mom jazzed it up a bit and now she’s not sure if she likes it or not.”

Ralph licked his whiskers. “What’s next? Another insect or an animal?”

“Erm… no. But Andrea sent her a nice picture of a spiral thingy. She just has to convince Alpha to go on a rock gathering mission in the bush. Rudi gathered some stones for her too, but I don’t somehow think that they are going to be enough. You see those blommies,” Skunk waved a long skinny black and white leg widely over the garden, “over there and there… plus the ones next to the lizard. You see them?”

We all nodded.

“Well that was a group effort. About six people sent mom pictures of those—Lisa and Marlene and Earlene and…”

“Okay Skunk, we get the picture.” I interrupted. Skunkie can be a bit garrulous at times. “So this isn’t actually mom’s garden. It’s got a bit of everybody in it.”

“Yup, that’s about right.” Skunk bounced off.

Harry nudged Ralph. “Come on, I’ll show you my cutie girls, but they are getting so big now.”

Harry being snuggled by one of his cutie girls (that’s now in Grade 8)

I gazed at the garden, hoping for a glimpse of mom, but all I saw was that Mr Edge lurking under the daisy bush.

Our boy Luan

You know, one of the coolest things about being heavenly hounds is that we can see everything. Anywhere. Any time!

We were watching Luan riding around the farm on a horse. I nudged Skunk, “Check out my boy Luan—he’s all grown up!”

Skunk frowned, “Erm… he’s actually MY boy Luan.”

“Remember when he was a little kid?” Zed Boy chortled, “I used to sit on him and make him go ooef!”

“You used to sit on everybody,” Skunk glared at him balefully, “Even me.”

“You were such a narfy mutt, always falling over your own furry legs.”

“Was not!”

“Were too!”

I rolled my eyes back down to earth—you can’t exactly roll your eyes to the heavens when you’re already there now, can you? “Stop you squabbling you wretched creatures. We’re talking about whose boy he is.”

“I remember when I got him,” Skunk’s whiskers twitched.

“YOU didn’t get him! HE got you. In fact… WE found you in that pet shop. I wanted the rabbit but noooo… “ Zed flapped his ears in disgust.

I listened with interest, this was before my time. “So what actually happened?”

Slayer sauntered up. “I was around, I know what went down. Luan was visiting from Cape Town. Zed had sharp scraggly toenails and mom took him to have them snipped at the pet shop.” Slayer flicked his tail and sneered at Zed. “You squealed like a pig!”

Zed glowered menacingly at the black cat and narrowed his eyes. “Did not.”

“Yup, you did. Mom told me. Anyhowl, there was a wooden box with puppies in it. Luan dashed over and started smooching one of them.”

“Me,” said Skunk. “He started smooching me! He looked at mom with big eyes and said can we have it, pleeaaasse can we, can we? Meanie mom said No! You’re going home in a few days and I’ll have to look after it.”

“Yah,” said Zed, “I wanted the rabbit but didn’t get that either. After they finished messing with my body bits, we all went home. Without your own skanky Skunky self!”

Slayer hissed “Who’s telling this story?”

“You are,” replied Skunk lying down, crossing his long black and white paws in front of him. “Carry on.”

“So when mom went to fetch Alpha from work that evening, Luan launched into beggy mode, and Alpha agreed to go and take a look. Mom was not pleased. She’d already told him on her tik-tikky thing that we did not want you. Luan dashed over to the box and out of all the wriggling blobs of fur, he picked up the same one he’d been smooching earlier.”

“Me!” beamed Skunk. “He picked me! Alpha took one look and said okay. Mom whispered in capital letters WHAT do you mean OKAY? But Alpha just looked at her and said we can have that dog!

And that, my fellow furballs, was the beginning of Skunk the Flying Punk!”

Zed drooled a bit, “You were such a naffy little thing, the size of a rodent. Such a push over. I used to steal your camo baskie—remember?”

“Then I’d go lie in your baskie and you didn’t like that either!”

Zed and Skunk were always bickering.

I stood up. “I’m off to play some ball – I’ve got a match against the SPCA team.” I shook my furry bod, then took one last peek and smiled with all my famous Fudgie fangs.

My woggledy whiskers. Our boy Luan is going to be a vet. How barking pawsome!

Mom cons Gemma

I’d been supervising the latest batch of SPCA doglets that had just arrived. They’re always a bit rumbustious when they first get here, having been kept in small spaces, they tend to charge around heaven like hooligans.

Heard some raucous laughter wafting from the corner where my fellow furballs usually hang out, spying on mom. I sidled over to take a look.

Zed Boy was literally rolling around on his back, snorting with mirth. Skunk was giggling like a girl and Ralphie looked a tad miffed. I barged through the heaving mass of fur to see for myself what was going on downstairs.

Nothing. There was absolutely nothing to see. Mom was busy shutting the gate and getting into her Tucson.

“You missed it,” howled Zed Boy. “That mom is such a sucker!”

I glared at him. How rude. “What do you mean?”

“That lil’ brown sausage dog thing has her wrapped around its stumpy tail.”

My whiskers prickled, I did not like to think of Mom having another precious doglet, but I suppose sharing is caring and all that crud.

Skunk sniggered and shook his ears. “It was hilarious. Gemma gets all needy and hates it when mom goes out, so she hops and jumps around the place like a demented flea, trying to get into the car. But it is waaaay too high for her—as you well know Fudgie.”

I glared at that black and white long-legged beastie, remembering all too well when they first got that Tucson. I had to hop onto a crate to get into the car. I considered saying that at least I had never hooched in a car, but then decided not to be mean.

“And?”

“Well” continued Skunk the Punk, “She picks her up and puts her on the back seat. That saucy sausage immediately hops into the front, looking all excited, like she’s going for a drive or something. Mom tells her to get into the back but she doesn’t listen.”

I still failed to see what was so funny. Obviously mom was taking Gemma for a drive or something. She often used to take me out with her.

Skunk started sniggering and chortling so much that Zed Boy picked up the story line. “So that stupid mom drives out of the gate, turns off the car and walks around to the passenger side. Quick as a wink, Gemma hops over onto the driver’s seat. Mom goes back to her side and Gem jumps into the back. Mom goes to open the back door and that mutt scrambles into the front again.”

“It’s too ridiculous for words,” retorted Ralphie, flicking his tail. “Pathetic in fact, mom should know better.”

I still didn’t see what was funny and wiggled my eyebrows at the long dog. “Explain.”

“Oh Fudge! You are so dense sometimes,” cackled Zed Boy shaking his head. Basset slobber zinged all over the place.

“Erghhh!” yowled Ralph, back-peddling. “That’s gross. You revolting creature.”

Zed Boy smirked and continued. “Mom was only taking that foolish little creature for a teensy trip out of the driveway. When she finally managed to get hold of her, she plonked her back inside and closed the gate. That silly mutt looked so depressed.”

I sniffed and trotted off to check up on the new recruits. My woggledy whiskers! I never liked it when mom went off and left me either, but I wouldn’t have dreamed of behaving in such a way.

The Porridge Bowl

It was a fine feathery day in heaven and I was flitting around, after just having spent some time helping my Aunty Kate finish a crossword. She used to do Sudoku’s on earth but up here we have heavenly word puzzles that involve the Saints. Some of them are a bit elusive, and even though she’s a good Catholic auntie and knows a lot – I’ve been here longer than she has, so was able to make a few suggestions.

Came across Ralphie rolling around on a cloud, howling with laughter. That will teach them to replace me with such a ragamuffin, he spluttered with mirth.

A tad unseemly behaviour for heaven, but then Ralph is a bit of a gangster at heart.

I peered over his shaking shoulder to see what was so incredibly amusing.

They were in the bedroom…

Alpha was having his usual breakfast in bed. Jack was sitting on Alpha’s chest, attempting to lick the porridge off his face. Alpha’s infinite patience was being somewhat tried.

Hey! I exclaimed. That’s my porridge bowl!

Don’t be stupid, replied Ralph, that’s my porridge bowl! Except I used to sit elegantly at the end of the bed and watch him eat. If he took too long I would loudly voice my disdain by turning around and facing the cupboard. When he’d finished he would ting-ting on the edge of the bowl with his spoon. I’d ignore him for a bit, then casually saunter up and do him the favour of licking up the last few morsels of porridge.

I glared at Ralph. I’m telling you – that was MY porridge bowl!

I would sit on the floor next to Alpha’s side of the bed and drool, waiting for him to finish. Sometimes I’d have to hurry him along with a little whinge or two. He’d give me THE look and tell me it was HIS breakfast. I should be patient. He also used to do the ting-ting on the side of his bowl thing with a spoon. Was quite funny actually… every now and then Alpha would get out of bed and almost slip on a puddle of drool. He’d make hysterical eeergh gross disgusting noises.

By now Zed and Skunk had joined our group and were also peering down from the skies.

Oi! I remember that bowl, yipped Skunkie. Alpha always had his brekkers out of it. When I grew into my legs I could easily reach the bowl next to his bed and scarf a lick when mom was not watching. Not that Alpha ever left very much in it. Wasn’t very exciting really, preferred to steal Looseyfur’s food.

Zed scowled. His legs were too short to reach anything on a table and he didn’t like to hear Skunk the Punk boasting.

We all watched as Jack tried again and again to stick his face into Alpha’s porridge bowl. He was very persistent. Each time Alpha would flick his nose gently. Jack would sit back and purr loudly, wait until Alpha was distracted by lifting the spoon to his mouth and try sticking his head in the bowl again.

Flick sniff flick sniff purr flick dodge flick purr… so it went.

Mom piped up… You are wasting your time you know. Cats cannot be trained. You’ve been doing this for three weeks now and nothing has changed. Jack still tries to lick the Weetabix off your chops.

Alpha made a face at mom. He spooned up the last bit of porridge and put the bowl down on the bed. Jack dived into it. Literally!

Hey! Alpha exclaimed, waving the spoon around. I had not even ting-tinged yet.

Jack did not flicker a whisker, merely continued to ravish the bowl like he had not eaten in days – which I know was a lie because I’d seen mom play the choosey game with him in the kitchen earlier.

Then Ralph sauntered off… Show’s over for today furry folks – let’s go do some angel stuff.